


The Progeny Divergence

by Daedaleopsis



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 17:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daedaleopsis/pseuds/Daedaleopsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sheldon decides he and Amy might have children someday, he asks Penny, as his friend, to help him overcome his intimacy issues. But things soon get complicated. (cross-posted on fanfiction.net)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own The Big Bang Theory, just some dvd's. If I did, "Shenny" would be real. And the only profit I get from writing fan fic is my own personal enjoyment.

Chapter 1

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."

Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."

"Come in, Sheldon," Penny called tiredly as she set down her third glass—well, mug, actually, since all of her wine glasses were already dirty—of cheap Chablis. Sheldon entered her apartment and paused a few feet from the doorway. He observed her carefully, taking in her slightly flushed face and glassy-eyed mien.

"Perhaps it would be best if I were to return another time," he said, half turning toward the door which he had left standing open.

"You're already here, Sheldon. Just tell me what you want," Penny said wearily.

He turned back to face her with an indecipherable look. He then carefully closed the apartment door and took a few steps into the living area. "I-I require your assistance," he blurted out.

"Sweetie, if you need a ride, I don't think that's such a good idea right now," Penny said, frowning.

"No, I don't need a ride," Sheldon stated, followed by another long pause.

Penny got up from her perch on the kitchen stool, mug in hand, and plopped herself onto the sofa. "I think you'd better sit down and tell me what this is all about," she said, patting the chair which was Sheldon's habitual seat whenever he visited her apartment. He lowered himself a bit gingerly, folding his long limbs at precise angles.

"So what's put a bug in your britches, Moonpie?" Penny drawled, knowing she could goad him into some sort of reaction by using his Meemaw's pet name for him.

Sure enough, "Don't call me that. Only my Meemaw is allowed to call me that," Sheldon retorted half-heartedly. Penny waited patiently for him to begin, knowing that Sheldon could not resist the opportunity to talk about himself for long. He was outrageously egotistical, as all his friends knew, but Penny believed that his social development was stunted at the level of a preschooler, so in an odd way, his narcissism made sense to her.

"Penny, I have always considered my research into theoretical physics my gift to the world," Sheldon began. "It is my contribution to prevent the general degradation of society back to primitive Neanderthalistic idiocy. But it has recently been impressed upon me, by a certain Amy Farrah Fowler, that it would be a great tragedy to deprive the world of my superior intellectual progeny." He hesitated, glancing at Penny to gauge her reaction.

She raised an eyebrow. "In English, sweetie. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Descendants, offspring… children," he replied, annoyed that he had had to spell it out for her.

Penny was glad that she didn't have a mouthful of wine when Sheldon uttered the word "children", because she was certain that if she had, it would have been sprayed all over her coffee table. As it was, her jaw dropped open and she just stared at Sheldon, speechless for a moment.

"Children? You want children?" she gasped.

"Well, if Darwin's theory of natural selection is to be believed, children are a biological imperative," he replied stiffly.

"A biological whatsit?" Penny asked, wondering if she had actually passed out and this was some bizarre, Chablis-fueled dream she was having.

"It means that if I am to pass along my intellectual genius to future generations, then having children of my own is, ipso facto, a necessity," Sheldon replied.

"So you want to have a child… with Amy?" Penny asked incredulously. Maybe she was hallucinating, she thought. She would sooner have believed that aliens would land on earth looking to take Sheldon back to his home planet than what she was hearing right now.

"The problem is—" Sheldon forged on, "—the problem is that Amy Farrah Fowler is only a few years shy of thirty; twenty-eight exactly, and to be frank, she's running out of time. It is a proven scientific fact that men are capable of procreating well into their sixth or seventh decade; however, the female reproductive system is viable for only a fraction of that time."

"So why are you telling all this to me?" Penny asked, feeling completely dumbfounded.

A tinge of pink stained Sheldon's cheeks and neck, and he looked down at his hands fidgeting on his lap. He said softly, "While there is no flaw in the logic that leads to my conclusion, and I infer that Amy would not be adverse to that shift in our relationship paradigm, I am having some difficulty with the practical implications of said conclusion." He turned wide, panic-stricken eyes to Penny. "While I do fully comprehend the mechanics of the act of procreation, I—I don't think I could actually bring myself to do it," he cried wildly, then dropped his gaze once more. He looked so distressed that Penny's heart went out to him.

"Sweetie, no one's going to make you do anything you don't want to," she said comfortingly, rubbing his arm. He flinched and then turned to stare at her.

"I am a man of science. I should not allow such ridiculous phobias to impede scientific progress."

Penny tried unsuccessfully to hide her smirk at realizing that Sheldon was assuming that any child of his would make some great contribution to science, but she also felt a deep compassion for her friend, whose fear of germs and invasion of his personal space crippled his ability to develop an intimate relationship. "Sheldon, don't you think this is something you and Amy need to work out together?" she asked gently.

"No!" he cried, jerking his head up once more. "No, Penny, I can't. Amy is—Amy is much too clinical. Her background in neurobiology would cause her to approach this as some kind of experiment. This is one instance in which your lack of education might actually be an asset."

Penny shot him a dirty look at that "lack of education" comment, but let it pass for the moment. "Sweetie, I'm not sure that there's anything I can do to help," she began. "I'm not a therapist or a counselor. Maybe you really need to go talk to a professional instead of just to a friend."

"My mother had me tested," he muttered, wrapping his long arms around his body tightly. "Penny, I underwent a rigorous period of psychiatric evaluation at the age of eight. I spent four weeks in a mental health facility, away from my home and family. I will never willingly submit to such treatment again."

For the second time that evening, Penny was shocked. She had heard him mention that his mother had once had him tested to see if he was insane, but she had no idea of the scarring it had left on the psyche of a frightened little boy. And she knew without a doubt that he had been scared, terrified even. She knew Sheldon often reverted to childish behavior, like throwing a temper tantrum when he didn't get his own way or exhibiting manic glee over comic books or trains. Now, his current stress had given her greater insight into the complex mind of Sheldon Cooper.

"What is it that you think I can do to help you?" she asked, feeling as though she would walk over hot coals to help heal her damaged friend.

He drew himself up straighter. "Well, you're an actress. I thought you might know some theatrical techniques that would help me to acclimate myself to the sensation of being touched," he replied.

Penny frowned thoughtfully. "I'm not sure any acting methods would apply here. I do have some ideas… but you would have to get Amy's permission before we start anything. I'd hate for her to find out the wrong way and think I was trying to put the moves on her boyfriend."

Sheldon considered her statement for a moment, and then nodded his head curtly. "Agreed." He abruptly stood, brushing invisible lint off the front of his trousers. "I will obtain Amy's consent before we begin any desensitizing regimen." He strode toward the door in a preoccupied manner, but before he left, he paused in the threshold with his hand on the door jamb. He looked back at Penny, still sitting on the sofa.

"Thank you, Penny. You really are my best friend," he said softly as he closed the door behind him. He added that last sentence under his breath. It wasn't something he was sure he wanted Penny to know, yet it was true nonetheless. Ever since the fateful Arctic expedition, Sheldon's opinion of his roommate had changed. Of course, he didn't mind practical jokes. He had been the perpetrator of some classic bazingas in the past. But for Leonard to sabotage his prestigious, grant-funded research and then to cause Sheldon to make a fool of himself to the academic community at large was a malfeasance that Sheldon could not forget. Forgive, yes, but not forget. So in Sheldon's mind, Leonard had been downgraded to a mere friend and roommate, one whom he could no longer fully trust.


	2. Chapter 2

Sheldon had been experiencing a great deal of reluctance to bring up the previous night's discussion with Amy. While conversing over Skype, even Amy could see that he was more jittery than usual, so naturally she asked him bluntly what was wrong. As it turned out, Amy went into rapturous delight on hearing that he was considering allowing their relationship to become more physical. She gushed over his decision, using words like "torrid" and "loins" that had Sheldon wincing and feeling slightly nauseated. More than ever, he was repulsed by her bold, rapacious stare. He ended the conversation quickly, and as he closed his laptop, he couldn't stop himself from muttering, "Dear Lord, what fresh hell have I gotten myself into now?"

The following evening, Sheldon knocked his usual triple pattern on Penny's door. Having communicated Amy's assent to Penny via text message, he had received instructions to come to her place that night at 7 pm and to bring a DVD to watch. He had chosen the first season of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. He hoped Penny would be drawn into the emotional and quasi-spiritual aspects of the story while he could lose himself in the fantasy of space exploration and alien worlds. He had brought the entire first season, of course. There was no need to remove the discs from the protective plastic packaging until it was absolutely necessary. After some reflection, he decided that it would be acceptable to leave the boxed set in Penny's apartment. After all, she never complained when he made her wear the cotton gloves to handle his comic books, so he supposed he could trust her with his beloved Star Trek discs as well.

Penny swung open the door after waiting for Sheldon to finish his knock. She was dressed in a floral hoodie, her usual tank top and fleece capris, and her blonde hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun with strands sticking out at odd angles. He found her casual appearance strangely soothing.

"What up, Moonpie?" she grinned at him. He glared at her use of his Meemaw's pet name but restrained himself from commenting.

"May I come in?" he asked in his best attempt at a calm tone of voice. She stepped back, waving him inside.

Sheldon arranged his limbs precisely on Penny's sofa as she explained what she had in mind for her "desensitizing" program. First of all, Sheldon had complete control to stop the activity at any time he was feeling uncomfortable. Second, they would not be doing anything that could be construed as unfair to Amy's feelings or inappropriate to the relationship contract between Sheldon and his girl-slash-friend-slash-girlfriend. Sheldon found himself relaxing as he listened to Penny's terms. They were highly agreeable and very considerate of his quirks. He even found the corners of his mouth turning up slightly as he thought about all the ways in which Penny had changed her habits and inconvenienced herself to accommodate him in her life. She really was his best friend, he found himself musing again.

Their first "assignment" didn't seem that bad. Penny planned for them to watch a DVD while she sat next to him. The only way this would differ from many previous nights was that Penny would lean against him, or put her head on her shoulder. She also assured him that she had just taken a shower, as she did most nights after a long shift waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon contentedly set up the first disc of Deep Space Nine, and as the familiar strains of music sounded, Penny settled in next to him. She scooted over until her leg and shoulder were touching the same on him.

"How's this, sweetie?" she asked. He glanced at her, biting his lower lip. "Well, I certainly feel as though you are encroaching on my personal space, but I suppose it is tolerable," he replied.

"Good. Now watch your show." Penny said. She had seen the pilot before, so she divided her attention between the television and her posture, making sure she carefully controlled the physical contact between the two of them.

When the end credits were rolling, Penny asked Sheldon if he wanted to watch another episode. He was quick to agree. "But this time," Penny warned, "I'm going to put my head on your shoulder."

"All right," he agreed after a noticeable pause. She leaned a little closer and tilted her head until it was resting on Sheldon's bony shoulder. He tensed for a moment, trying to isolate the sensation that was causing him the most discomfort. After brushing away a few strands of her hair that tickled his neck, he felt more relaxed. Her head was a heavy weight on his shoulder, but he noticed that he could feel her warmth through both of his shirts. Her hair smelled like her green apple shampoo, with a subtler underlying scent like vanilla. After some reflection, he decided that it was actually rather nice. Amy, he recalled, had a sharp astringent odor to her hair from the coal tar dandruff shampoo she used.

After the second episode, Penny sat up and stretched luxuriously. They had been watching Star Trek for over two hours now, since the pilot was a two-parter. "Well, I think that's all the Star Trek I can handle for one night, Sheldon. What did you think of our first desensitization session?"

"It was neither as egregious nor as awkward as I had anticipated. Thank you, Penny," he replied dutifully.

Penny rolled her eyes at his back-handed compliment. "Goodnight, Moonpie," she whispered as he quietly let himself out of her apartment.

Over the next several nights, Penny kept the routine basically the same. Sheldon would come over for an hour or two on Monday and Thursday evenings after dinner, and they would watch DS9 together. Penny actually found herself enjoying the plot of the show, and she made a concerted effort to keep her apartment (well, her living room, at least) clean so her lanky friend would feel more comfortable. While they watched the show, Penny would put her head on his shoulder, or loop a hand through the crook of his arm. She tried having him give her a foot massage once, right after she had showered, but her ecstatic moans caused him to glare at her and complain that he couldn't hear the dialog.

"Well, sweetie, you're actually quite good at it," she replied. "You should try those moves out on Amy sometime. She may not be on her feet all day like I am, but I'm sure she would love it. Trust me, all women love foot massages." Penny then suggested that Sheldon could give her a back rub, and he accused her of leveraging his "desensitization" regime to her own advantage.

"Of course, I am, Moonpie," she replied airily with an evil grin, swiping the remote and changing the channel to America's Next Top Model. He scowled at her and made a grab for the remote. She dodged his grasp and dug her fingers lightly into his side, hoping he was ticklish. He let out a shriek of indignation, and then lunged over toward her end of the sofa, pinning her down with his body while he reached for the remote. She responded automatically with a familiar move, lifting a foot up over the backs of his legs to pull him in closer. She suddenly realized with a jolt that she was lying on her couch, with the length of Sheldon's body pressed against her, his hips pulled in close to hers, and his bright blue eyes boring into hers with an intense expression. Penny actually felt a throb of… interest, and she called his name in a strangled voice as the remote dropped suddenly from her hand. Sheldon scrambled to disentangle himself from her limbs as Penny wriggled out from underneath him. With a tug, he straightened his shirts and walked over to pick up the remote. There were two spots of color high in his cheeks as he did so. Wordlessly, he placed the remote on the coffee table and then turned and strode toward the door.

"Sheldon? Sheldon, wait!" Penny called, but he was already out the door, and she couldn't find the nerve to go after him.

Three glasses of wine later, Penny decided the best thing to do would be to call Bernadette. She had considered talking to Leonard only briefly. Not only was he a guy, and therefore clueless to emotional subtleties, but talking to him had been awkward ever since their "beta test" had failed. She pondered how on earth she had been so foolish as to get involved in the same dead-end relationship twice. But Leonard was a nice guy, really, apart from the fact that he had always treated her more like a trophy than a girlfriend, and that he was terribly insecure which made him terribly jealous, and he thought that anything another girl let him get away with couldn't possibly be cheating…

"No," Penny moaned, banging her head on the table. Thinking about Leonard while she was drunk could only end one of two ways: either she would go over and tell him exactly what she thought of him, or she would give him a "booty call", and he would assume that they were dating again. So, no more thoughts of Leonard. "Bad Penny," she scolded herself. Instead, she called her sweet and level-headed friend Bernadette. By that point, Penny was less than coherent, so Bernie decided to drive over and pour coffee down her blonde friend's throat until she could make sense. The only thing that Penny had managed to communicate clearly to Bernadette was that Amy was absolutely not to be involved.

Once Bernadette arrived, she bustled around the kitchen and soon presented Penny with a steaming mug of coffee. As Penny sipped her drink, she started to feel less muddled, and so she began to tell Bernie about trying to help Sheldon and Amy's relationship.

"Wait a minute, I don't understand." Bernadette cut in with her girlishly high-pitched voice. "Your plan was to cuddle on the couch with Sheldon in order to help improve his relationship with Amy? What, was the plan to try to make her jealous?"

Penny groaned in frustration. "No, he has to get used to casual touch so he can get to second base with Amy… and then third base, and then…" she trailed off, gesturing vaguely.

"So why didn't he just do all that with Amy?" Bernie asked.

"Well, he said he was afraid she would treat it—treat him-like an experiment. You know how she gets." Penny responded. "She freaks me out all the time, and I'm not even paranoid the way Sheldon is."

"Okaaay," Bernadette drawled, "So what am I missing here? What's the problem?"

So Penny shame-facedly told Bernadette about teasing Sheldon, and the tussle over the remote that was a little too much like flirting, and how she had accidentally pulled him in close against her, and how he had then stalked out of the apartment.

"Wow," Bernadette murmured as she heard the rest of the story. "You sure don't do things by halves, do you?"

"And now I don't know if he's mad at me, or embarrassed, or if he's ever going to speak to me again," Penny wailed.

Bernie mulled over the situation for a moment, pursing her lips thoughtfully. "Well, this is Sheldon we're talking about here. Chances are that he didn't know himself what he was feeling. And what does Sheldon usually do when he has an emotional reaction to something?"

Penny wrinkled up her brow in concentration. " I guess either he starts an argument, or he pretends it never happened."

"Well, there you go," Bernadette said, tapping Penny's arm for emphasis. "Just pretend nothing weird happened, and he'll probably never bring it up again."

Penny frowned a little. Something didn't seem quite right about Bernie's conclusion, but she was still not quite sober, and so she couldn't put her finger on it. Instead, she hugged Bernadette and thanked her.

A/N: As you can see, I really don't think Amy is right for Sheldon but I am trying to write her character in an honest and not spiteful manner. My perception of Amy as she is on the show is that she really wants sex, admires Sheldon for his brains, but is contemptuous of all of his non-scientific hobbies. So she would be equally happy with another brainy guy, perhaps even more so, given Sheldon's fear of intimacy. But lacking any experience with relationships, she is reluctant to give up her idealized fantasy of Sheldon.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day was the second Thursday of the month—date night for Sheldon and Amy—so Penny had the evening to herself. She had just showered and changed after a long waitressing shift. Now that she was comfortable in an old T-shirt and sweats, she decided to check out the clearance sales on her favorite shoe-shopping website. When she tried to get online, a familiar error code popped up on her screen. Sheldon had changed the Wi-Fi password again. With a growl of frustration, she hauled her butt up off the couch and stormed across the hallway. Barging into Apartment 4A, she began, "Hey, does anyone know what the Wi-Fi..."

She trailed off, surprised at the scene in front of her. Sheldon was sitting upright in a chair, with some sort of white circles stuck to his head. Wires trailed from the circles to a large machine set up behind Sheldon's back. Amy was bent over the machine, fiddling with dials and peering at the monitor.

"Holy crap on a cracker," Penny gasped, then grinned wickedly. "Amy, if you're trying to turn Sheldon on, I don't think you're doing it right."

Amy looked at her blankly. "I'm monitoring the left anterior cingulate cortex and right orbitofrontal cortex in Sheldon's brain using my positron emission tomograph."

Sheldon smiled happily. "She's recording my brainwaves for posterity. I can't imagine a better way to spend an evening."

"I thought the two of you were trying to, you know, get a little more physical," Penny said in confusion.

"Well, of course we are. Why else would I have Sheldon hooked up to a PET scanner?"

"I... don't know? Look, I just need the Wi-Fi password, and then I'll let you two crazy kids get back to your hot date," Penny said.

"Fine. It's 'pennystopoglingdrbashir', one word, no caps," Sheldon retorted.

Penny grinned unrepentantly. "You know, Sheldon, you probably could have gotten me hooked on DS9 a lot faster if you'd told me there was such a hottie on the show. And I gotta admit, that whole genius thing is starting to be a turn-on for me. I blame Leonard-well, all the guys, really."

"Excuse me, Penny, could you say the word 'genius' again?" Amy asked suddenly. She studied the monitors closely as Penny complied.

"Ah-ha!" Amy cried triumphantly. "There, do you see it?"

Penny walked around Sheldon to look at Amy's machine. She was curious, despite feeling that she would have no idea what Amy was talking about. "See what?" she asked.

"That spike in the readings right there," Amy said excitedly, pointing at the screen.

"All the readings look kinda spiky to me," Penny replied, tilting her head to the side.

"Well, it's there, trust me. Oh, bestie, I'm so happy, and I have you to thank!" Amy squealed, throwing her arms around Penny.

Penny returned the hug, but she was still confused. "I don't get it. What does this spike thing have to do with me?"

Amy quickly pulled out a print-out that looked similar to the read-out on the monitor. "These are Sheldon' s PET scans from a few months ago. There was absolutely no indication of any sexual arousal. But today, the readings are different-still not comparable to the average human male, of course, but there are signs of progress. And I think it's all because of the work you've been doing with Sheldon."

Penny was staring at Amy with her jaw hanging open. "You're measuring sexual arousal with those brain scans? And there was a response? Holy crap on a cracker."

Sheldon had been sitting quietly in his chair up until this point, but he suddenly started pulling off the electrodes. "It's rude to talk about someone as if he weren't sitting right next to you. If you need me, I'll be in my room," he announced and stalked off.

Penny glanced at Sheldon's retreating back, feeling guilty about offending him. She turned back to Amy reluctantly. "Look, Ames, those lessons are what I wanted to talk to you about. I just don't feel comfortable cuddling up on the sofa with Sheldon when you're his girlfriend. It's kind of weird, you know?"

Amy thought about this for a moment, then shook her head. "Listen, bestie, we've both always known that Sheldon is not a normal kind of person, and that's part of the reason why I like him. But I'm getting tired of having a boyfriend who doesn't even want to hold my hand. I need more than that, and this is the first real breakthrough I've seen. Please, please don't give up. Penny, I need you." Amy said this last part with a tilted head and sad, puppy-dog eyes.

Damn it, Penny thought, feeling manipulated, I can never say no when someone pulls that sad face, and Amy knows it!   
"All right, fine; I guess I can help you for a little longer," she heard herself saying.


	4. Chapter 4

It seemed that Bernadette was right about Sheldon ignoring uncomfortable topics. He showed up on her doorstep early the next week at 7pm acting as if nothing out-of-the-ordinary had occurred. However, he was surprised to find that Penny was garbed in a form-fitting red dress. Although the style of the dress was not exactly the same, he found that he was strongly reminded of Number Six from Battlestar Galactica. He felt a frisson of unease at the thought, even as the image was carefully catalogued in his brain.

"That doesn't look like a comfortable outfit for watching television," Sheldon commented as he stepped inside Penny's apartment. He immediately noticed that she had rearranged the furniture. The couch, chair and coffee table had been pushed to various corners of the room.

"We're not watching DS9 tonight. I thought we'd mix it up a little," Penny replied with a tight smile. She picked up a slender remote from the entryway table and waved it at her stereo. Strains of a Sinatra ballad filled the air.

"Tonight, we'll be dancing," she declared.

"I don't dance," Sheldon stated bluntly.

She was expecting some opposition from him, and her eyes flashed at him as she replied, "This was your idea to begin with, remember? I'm the teacher here, and I say we need to try something different, or you'll never make any progress. Besides, sitting together on the couch might not be the best idea anyhow..." she trailed off, glancing down at the floor. Then she grabbed his hand and pulled him into the room.

"Dance with me, Sheldon," she commanded.

He wasn't sure quite how it happened, but instead of objecting, he followed her meekly into the room and allowed her to position his hands, one at her waist and the other clasped lightly in her hand. He was surprised to note that she seemed to be experiencing craniofacial erythmia, and he commented on this to Penny. Of course, this just elicited a blank look from the blonde.

"Your face is red," he clarified. He suddenly recoiled in horror. "You're not getting sick, are you?" he cried, alarmed.

"No, Sheldon, I'm not sick. I just... like dancing, that's all," she replied.

She guided him into position once more, and started swaying to the music. At first, Sheldon just stood awkwardly, but Penny encouraged him to move in time to the music, and soon he was getting the hang of it. After a few minutes, Penny said, "Well, I'm not actually trying to teach you to dance here. You can go take lessons if you really want to learn. But for now, I want you to place your hand on my back and move in a little closer."

As he did so, Sheldon realized that he would actually have to touch Penny's bare skin because the cut of the dress exposed an alarmingly large portion of her back. His hands skimmed her skin, barely touching her. He thought that might be the right thing to do, but Penny looked up into his eyes as his hands glided over her back with the lightest of caresses. "Sheldon, I think we need to stop," she said, her eyes huge and dark, so close to his.

He stilled. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong," she replied in a strained voice. "I just don't think that dancing was such a good idea after all."

He dropped his hands but stood frowning down at her. "Penny, you agreed to help me, and now you are refusing to do so for a reason you have yet to elucidate."

She bit her lower lip, and Sheldon found himself strangely fascinated by the sight, although for the life of him, he couldn't comprehend why.

"I think I just need to talk to Amy again," Penny blurted out.

Sheldon blinked. For a split second, he couldn't remember what they had been talking about. Fortunately, his eidetic memory quickly filled in the details so he could reply to her statement.

"If you wish to communicate with Amy, you will need to do so via Skype, adjusting for the ten-hour time differential, of course."

"What? What do you mean, time difference? Where is Amy?" Penny asked, confused.

"Why, in Riyadh, of course," was the answer.

"What the hell is Amy doing in Riyadh? And where is Riyadh anyway?" Penny snarled.

Sheldon quickly took a step backward, throwing a hand protectively in front of his throat. "Riyadh is the capital of Saudi Arabia. Amy traveled there to ask Prince Faisal for more funding to further her research. I don't understand why Amy failed to notify you in advance of her travel plans."

"Oh, this is impossible!" Penny cried, throwing her hands up in exasperation.

"The situation is not only not impossible, it is not even improbable," Sheldon corrected in that pedantic tone that made Penny want to stomp on his toes. "Amy has made several trips to Riyadh over the past six years. Her relationship with Prince Faisal has proven to be quite lucrative."

"Yeah, just like Leonard and that wrinkly old hag from the departmental fundraiser," Penny scoffed under her breath. She took a deep breath and continued in a normal tone of voice, "Look, Sheldon, for now I think I just need you to leave."

"But it's only 7:38 pm," Sheldon objected. "Your lesson hasn't even lasted three-quarters of an hour."

"Well, you know, you get what you pay for," Penny quipped sarcastically, as she opened her door and all but pushed Sheldon out into the hallway. Once she had shut the door behind him, she leaned against the door and slowly slid down it until she was sitting on the floor.

"Bad Penny," she scolded herself. "Stop thinking about Sheldon that way. He has a girlfriend. He doesn't think about you like that. Bad Penny."

Sheldon stood out in the hallway, his arm frozen in the act of opening the door to his apartment. Few people would have been able to hear Penny's quiet comments to herself, but Sheldon's hearing was exceptional. Now if only he could figure out what she was talking about...


	5. Chapter 5

Penny had a few glasses of red wine to calm her nerves while waiting for 11pm, an hour that she hoped would be a good time to contact Amy in Riyadh. Finally, it was eleven o'clock, and hopefully 9am in Riyadh, although Penny wasn't at all sure she had gotten the time conversions right. As she opened her laptop, Penny was relieved to see that Amy was ready and waiting at her computer in response to Penny's earlier e-mail.

"Bestie! I didn't expect to hear from you so soon!" Amy exclaimed happily.

Penny stared for a moment. "Wow, Ames, you look amazing. Where did you get those clothes? And are those real jewels?" Amy, instead of wearing her usual cardigans, long skirts and tights, was clad in a lightweight silky pink dress that seemed to float around her at the slightest movement. She sparkled from head to toe; she wore jeweled bracelets, necklaces and an elaborate headdress, and there were sequins-or were those diamonds?-sewn all over her gown and the sheer veil that covered the lower half of her face.

"Oh, this is just the kind of thing that I wear in Riyadh as the fiancée of Prince Faisal. It's all for show, of course," Amy added nonchalantly.

"Wow, a rich Arabian sultan is showering you with jewels in an exotic setting... I think I'm a little jealous," Penny said with a laugh. Then she sobered. "Hey, Ames, I have to ask you something. Are you sure about this desensitizing thing that I'm doing with Sheldon? I know I've said it before, but I still feel really weird about it. What if... what if he gets mad at me?" That was not at all what she meant to say, but how could she say to Amy, what if I'm attracted to him?

A strange look crossed Amy's face for a moment, but before Penny could figure out what it was, Amy started speaking, and Penny jerked her attention back to what her friend was saying.

"Look, Penny, you and I both know how skittish Sheldon has been about physical intimacy. But he's made more progress working with you in the past few weeks than he has in years, years spent mostly avoiding women, I might add. I want you to continue working with Sheldon. In fact, I think you should start teaching him how to kiss. Maybe he'll be acclimated enough to give me a kiss when I get back," Amy said.

"Oh, Ames, are you sure?" Penny felt like a broken record, but this whole thing was just weird on top of strange piled on bizarre.

"Yes, I'm sure," Amy said emphatically. She turned then as if something off-camera had caught her attention.

"I've got to go, Penny. Faisal is taking me to watch the camel races. It's a big event here in Saudi Arabia," Amy said, reaching out her hand to a figure that appeared in the background.

Penny gaped. "Amy, is... is that Faisal?" she gasped.

"Yes," Amy said shortly.

Penny was shocked. Faisal was nothing like she had imagined him. He was perhaps a few years older than Amy, but he was also devastating handsome. Enough to make Julian Bashir look plain, Penny thought. She just couldn't keep her mouth shut.

"Oh my gosh, Ames, he's gorgeous!" Penny squealed. "Wow, you must really be crazy about Sheldon if you can keep your hands off that hottie!"

"Faisal?" Amy frowned, glancing over to where the prince had retreated politely out of earshot, waiting for Amy to finish her conversation. "I've known him for such a long time; I guess I never really thought about him that way."

"Wow, Ames, sometimes I just don't get you at all. Well, have fun at the camel races." After the girls had said their goodbyes, Penny sat staring at her blank screen, bemused. Then a wicked grin curved her lips. She grabbed her cell phone and dialed Bernadette's number.


	6. Chapter 6

Penny entered the lobby of 2311 North Robles. She was just getting back from running some errands, and she stopped to check her mailbox, praying it wasn't stuffed full of overdue bills. As she flipped through the envelopes, Sheldon and Leonard came down the stairs.

"Hey, Sheldon," she said cheerfully.

"Hey, Leonard," she added with a little less enthusiasm. Ever since Leonard had starting dating Raj's sister Priya, Penny had been trying to avoid him. She thought it was great that he was moving on and dating someone else, really. She just wished that he would stop being so smug about it, or that maybe he could have dated someone who didn't make her feel so inadequate.

Suppressing a mental sigh, Penny asked politely, "So where are you two going?"

"I'm going to meet Howard and Raj in the park for a rousing morning of kite flying. Leonard, on the other hand, has decided to abandon us to drink overpriced caffeinated beverages with Priya," Sheldon replied with disdain.

"We're meeting at a coffee shop," Leonard translated.

"Um, yeah, that's great. You have fun with that," Penny replied a little awkwardly. "Hey Sheldon, can I talk with you for a moment... privately?" She added with a significant look at Leonard. He took the hint and mumbled that he would wait outside.

"So... um... I talked to Amy this morning. She... um... she said we should go forward with our lessons."

"As it is not possible for us to regress, it seems that Amy was proposing the most logical course of action," Sheldon answered in that lofty know-it-all tone he often used.

A moment ago, Penny had felt nervous to talk to Sheldon about this topic. Now she found herself wanting to pop that smug little bubble that he seemed to live in. She took a couple of steps forward until she was definitely standing inside his personal space. He swallowed and backed up a few paces. She followed until his back hit the wall. Her face was mere inches away from hers, and he licked his lips nervously. Penny's eyes tracked the movement. Did he know what that did to her every time he did that? Probably not, or he would have stopped years ago, she thought with a smirk.

"Amy wants me to teach you how to kiss," she purred in a low voice, watching his eyes widen. She wondered what he was feeling. Was he shocked, afraid... or maybe just a little bit curious? She mimicked his wording. "That's the next logical course of action."

Sheldon's mouth worked soundlessly for a moment. Penny's predatory grin widened. She loved it when she got the upper hand with him; it was a serious rush.

"A- Agreed," Sheldon finally managed to reply in a hoarse voice.

Penny stepped back in shock. Holy crap, she hadn't been expecting him to actually give in and agree with her!

Sheldon saw his opening and zipped around her, making a beeline for the door. She was too late to stop him, although what could she have done, tackled him to the floor junior rodeo style? An image of what she could do with Sheldon once she had wrestled him to the ground popped into her head, and she moaned and banged her head on the mailboxes. "Bad Penny."

It was almost seven in the evening, and Penny was feeling anxious, even after two glasses of wine. She fiddled with the items on her kitchen counter, pointlessly rearranging things. Sheldon's triple knock pattern began at her door, and she glanced at the clock, startled. Sheldon was early. He was never early. Did that mean something?

As she let him in, she could tell that he was also feeling nervous. He wore his messenger bag even though he had no need for it, and he was clutching the strap tightly. His eyes darted around the room. This would never work, Penny decided. On an impulse, she crossed to her entertainment center and grabbed the remote.

"I have an idea, Sheldon. Why don't we start by watching some more DS9?" They were into season three by now, and although Penny would never have admitted it to anyone, she was kind of hooked on the show.

"I don't see the correlation between Star Trek and osculation, but I have no objections to your proposal," Sheldon replied.

As her neighbor seated himself on her sofa, Penny retrieved a pitcher from the fridge and poured two glasses. She brought them over and set them down on the coffee table.

"What's this?" Sheldon asked suspiciously.

"It's called a grasshopper. It tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream, but it is a mixed drink. That means it's got alcohol in it," Penny said, to make sure Sheldon understood. "Now, I know you don't normally drink, but I want you to at least consider it for tonight because it will help calm your nerves," Penny said, adding, "One drink won't make you drunk, just a little more relaxed."

Sheldon stared at her wide-eyed for what seemed like an eternity before dropping his gaze to the glass. "All right," he said finally. He picked up the tumbler and drank about a third of it in one long gulp. "I can still taste the alcohol," he said accusingly as he set down the glass.

Penny rolled her eyes. "There's the whackadoodle I know and love." She cued up the next episode and sat down on the sofa, leaning up against Sheldon. He put his arm around her shoulders without being asked. Wow, he's getting good at this boyfriend thing, Penny thought. A wave of sadness washed over her as she remembered that he was doing this for Amy and not her. In fact, in a way, he was just using her. The sad part was that she was already way too emotionally involved, so she decided to just take things as they came and deal with the gut-wrenching heartbreak later. There was always the option of meaningless one-night-stands with some random guy she picked up on a bar. Although as time went on, she found the idea of casual sex less and less appealing-perhaps she was finally growing up a little.

The episode seemed incredible short, and almost before she knew it, the credits were rolling. Penny found she had no idea what she had just watched. Glancing at the coffee table, she noted that Sheldon's glass was empty. She hadn't touched hers.

"How do you feel, sweetie?" she asked Sheldon, turning to look up into his face.

He giggled a little. "Do you know that's what River Song always called the Doctor, and then he found out she was his wife?" he mused.

Okay, tipsy enough

, Penny thought. She shifted a little so she could lean in closer. She whispered his name, and as he turned his head, his eyes widened as he realized how near her face was to his. "Close your eyes, sweetie," she whispered. After a long moment, his eyelids fluttered shut obediently. Penny placed a hand on his shoulder and closed the distance between them. She moved her lips against his by only the smallest amount, and successfully resisted the urge to nibble on his bottom lip, which she was sure would freak him out. After a few seconds, she pulled away.

"What did you think?" she asked him gently. His eyes met hers with a softer expression than she had ever seen in them before.

"Fascinating," he murmured.

A wicked little smile curved up the corners of Penny's mouth. For all the pretense of hating to be touched, the great Sheldon Cooper was tumbling off his high horse rather quickly.

"Now, I'm going to kiss you again, and this time, I want you to respond. Do what I do," Penny instructed. He nodded, looking very serious and somehow so adorable in his earnestness. Penny smiled and touched his cheek. As he mirrored her actions, she closed her eyes, reveling in the sheer enjoyment of that simple caress. She couldn't remember that last time a man had made her feel this way. She felt beautiful, special, like she was more than just a sexy blonde who would put out after a few drinks. This time, she kissed him with a little more passion. And Sheldon, to her surprise, followed her lead after a short hesitation. She placed her hands around his neck. He did the same, which would normally have been a little awkward, except that his long fingers brushed the nape of her neck. Penny moaned against his mouth, and Sheldon immediately pulled away, looking alarmed.

"Are you all right, Penny?" he quickly asked.

She didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that you found one of my... sensitive areas. Not many guys figure that one out. I guess it's because I normally jump into things quickly... you know, me being a big ol' five and all."

"That makes no logical sense," Sheldon said with a frown. "Why would you choose to have coitus with a mate who hasn't familiarized himself with your particular likes and dislikes?"

She sighed. "It's kind of complicated. Like you said once, it's a combination of poor judgment and just trying to live in the moment without thinking about the consequences." Exactly what she was doing with Sheldon, Penny realized with a start. "So... um... I think we're done for now, sweetie. You did really good."

"Well," he said.

"Huh?"

"I did really well," Sheldon corrected, but he had the faintest smile on his face as he said it. "Shall I return Friday evening at 7pm?" he inquired politely.

Just like his normal whackadoodle self, Penny thought, and with a sigh, she replied "Sure. I'll see you then."


	7. Chapter 7

It had been a couple of weeks since Amy had left for Riyadh. Sheldon was slowly getting used to the idea of kissing. Penny would have died before admitting how hot and bothered she was getting, but she was seriously tempted to take up Age of Conan again. But never in her wildest dreams could she have imagined what happened next.

Sheldon showed up on her doorstep one evening at the usual time, but this time he cradled a bottle of mouthwash in his hands. Penny was a little confused. He hadn't seemed to worry about germs any other night that they had practised kissing, so why would he start now? So, like an idiot, she had to ask about his sudden change in behavior.

"I have come to the conclusion that, as my teacher, you are falling behind schedule," he announced.

She looked blank. "What are you talking about, Sheldon? I don't have a schedule."

"Why am I not surprised?" he scoffed, but Penny could hear the tremor in his voice. She looked again at the bottle of green liquid in his hands and suddenly the answer came to her. Oh no... oh hell no. The world must be coming to an end, she thought faintly. Flying monkeys should be flitting past her apartment window. Because Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper could not possibly be asking her to...

"It behooves me, as your pupil, to clarify the subsequent step in your non-existent schedule, as informed by my online research, should be the erroneously-named French kissing," Sheldon went on in his most irritating lecturing voice.

Penny felt terrified, and so nervous that her stomach churned. "Sheldon, how can you be okay with that?" she whispered in shock.

He paused, with that deer-in-the-headlights look in his eyes. Now that his speech was over, he looked as nerve-wracked as she felt. He took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have any more of that grasshopper mix?"

Penny was all out, but she did have some peach-flavored vodka. At her request, Sheldon retrieved the carton of orange juice that he always kept stocked in his fridge. Penny mixed a very light screwdriver for Sheldon, and a more traditionally-proportioned one for herself.

Watching DS9 while curled up together on the sofa was practically a ritual for them now. As the opening strains of the title music sounded, Penny tried to push away thoughts of what would happen when Amy returned. Would Sheldon watch Star Trek with Amy? Would he put his arm around her and stroke her hair, as he was doing now with Penny? Would Amy lean up against his chest, listening to his heart beat and the rumble of his voice as he explained some piece of sci-fi trivia?

Her drifting thoughts were interrupted by the feel of Sheldon shifting, and she realized that once again, the episode was over without her having any idea what it was about.

"What's up, Moonpie?" she asked Sheldon, sitting up.

"I-I'm going to have another mixed drink," Sheldon said.

"Do you want me to make it for you, sweetie?" she offered.

He scoffed. "I think I can manage to combine two liquids in a gastronomically pleasing mixture."

Penny shrugged and picked up the remote to get the next episode ready to start as soon as he returned.

Sheldon got out the peach vodka and carefully poured about two centimeters of alcohol into his glass. He eyed it critically, then added approximately six centimeters of orange juice and took a small sip. Hmm... the balance of peach and orange flavors was unpleasantly disproportional, he decided. He added a little more vodka, tasted it again, and then added another few millimeters. Really, Sheldon thought with some disdain, this must be a very cheap vodka. He could hardly detect any alcoholic aftertaste at all. He took a larger swallow of his drink and smiled happily. Although he had no wish to offend Penny when he was relying on her help, he was clearly better at making cocktails than she was. I'd bet I'd make a pretty good bartender, he thought, and instantly wondered where that thought had come from.

"Preposterous," he muttered, laughing his breathy laugh as he returned to his seat beside Penny on the couch.

"You all right there, Slim?" Penny quipped as he sat down.

He snickered. "Slim-that's funny. You should call me Slim more often."

She shot him a wry look. "Whackadoodle," she commented as she started the next episode.

The physicist was still feeling a bit nervous, so he concentrated on finishing his drink. As the show wound down to a touching finale, Penny stretched and looked at Sheldon. Then she sat upright, frowning. "Sheldon, are you feeling okay? You look a little flushed."

"Ah'm fine," Sheldon drawled, the east Texas accent thick in his voice.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Sheldon, how much vodka did you put in your drink? I told you to just add a little."

"Slim," he said.

"Huh?"

"Ish not Sheldon, you call me Slim," he explained. "And you're Kitten."

Ooo-kay, Penny thought, remind me not to let Sheldon anywhere near peach vodka again. She stood up. "Well, sweetie, I think we'd just better call it a night..." and she broke off, faltering. Sheldon had risen too, and was now towering over her with a look that she had never thought to see on his face, not in a million years. His sapphire eyes, half-lidded, bored into hers with a fierce intensity.

"C'mere, Kitten," he drawled, and pulled her close. And then... Sheldon kissed Penny. Her defenses crumbled under his inexperienced but passionate embrace. Maybe she would regret this later, but for now, she was going to live in the moment and pretend that Sheldon actually cared about her. So she kissed him back, showing him what he had wanted to know.

She sucked gently on his bottom lip and then ran her tongue across it lightly. He stilled for a moment, then twined his fingers through her hair and very tentatively brushed his tongue against her mouth. She responded by delicately sliding her tongue along his. He made a startled sound, and actually fisted his hand in her hair as he copied her movements. Penny moaned in pleasure as Sheldon deepened the kiss, and she tilted her head to give him better access as she demonstrated other techniques. He was a quick learner, and Penny soon felt as if she were swooning. Her knees threatened to give way, so she nudged him back onto to the sofa and sat in his lap, straddling him. His head fell back, and she couldn't resist kissing and sucking at the pulse points at his neck. He gasped her name, and his hands crept up underneath her tank top and pressed her close against him. She shivered with delight and squirmed in his lap, feeling ample evidence that Sheldon Cooper did indeed have a deal.

Then reality came crashing down upon her. This was Sheldon, her whackadoodle neighbor, who hated to be touched (all current evidence to the contrary), who had a girlfriend (even if she had begged Penny to get involved in their relationship), and whom she respected too much to be using like one of her one-night-stands (again, all evidence to the contrary, her brain chimed in). She pulled away from Sheldon, tugging down her shirt and sliding off his lap.

"Sweetie, I...I think we got a little carried away. It's not your fault; you just had too much to drink. Come on, you need to go home and get to bed," she said, regretting both what they had done and what they hadn't.

His eyes opened slowly, and he gazed at her through hooded eyes. "Will you come with me, Kitten?" he asked in a lazy drawl.

Penny moaned and hid her face in her hands. What had she done to him? She had seen Sheldon drunk a few times before, but he had never behaved like this. She tugged on his arm until he was standing upright (more or less) and propelled him toward the door.

"Get out, Sheldon," she said tiredly.

He lurched a few steps into the hallway, and then turned back to her. "Ah told you mah name is Slim," he said. Tipping an imaginary hat to her, he smiled, "'Night, Kitten."

Penny closed her door and cursed. "Bad Penny," she reminded herself. It didn't really help. She could still feel the imprint of where his hands had caressed her bare skin. Maybe she should go take a cold shower. As she gazed wearily around her apartment, her eyes fell on the bottle of mouthwash, sitting unopened on her kitchen counter.


	8. Chapter 8

Sheldon's luck had run out. Raj and Howard had been using their Sheldon-free evenings to troll for hook-ups at local bars, and Leonard had gone with them as wingman whenever Priya was busy. But that evening, they had given up and decided to stay in and play Mario Kart instead. So as Sheldon entered the apartment, Leonard glanced up at him. Then he stared open-mouthed, oblivious to his avatar crashing on-screen. At this, Raj and Howard looked up to see what was the matter.

"Krishna," Raj swore under his breath when he saw Sheldon's face.

"Hey, Sheldon... uh... whatcha been doing, buddy?" Leonard asked uncertainly.

"Watching DS9 with Penny," Sheldon replied, slurring his words slightly.

The guys watched as Sheldon made his way to his bedroom with an unsteady gait. Howard broke the silence.

"Okay, was that just me, or did it look like Sheldon Cooper PhD, was doing the walk of shame?" he leered.

"He totally was, dude," Raj chimed in gleefully.

Leonard looked toward the back hallway down which Sheldon had disappeared a few moments ago, then in the direction of Penny's apartment. Making up his mind, he paced to Sheldon's bedroom and knocked on the door.

"Go 'way, Leonard," Sheldon called.

Leonard glanced at Raj and Howard for guidance, but they just shrugged-silently, because they wanted to eavesdrop in on the conversation.

"Sheldon, you looked a little... tipsy. Are you all right in there?"

"Go 'way. I don't want to talk."

"Well, you looked like... Were you and Penny..." but Leonard couldn't find the words to ask if his roommate had kissed-or been kissed by-his ex-girlfriend.

"Go away, Leonard," Sheldon enunciated carefully.

Leonard frowned and turned on his heel. He strode out of the apartment and crossed the hallway to bang loudly on Penny's door. Nothing but silence answered him. He knocked again and called out, "Penny, I know you're in there!"

Penny answered the door. Leonard took one look at her face and stepped back involuntarily. Her nostrils were flared in the way that used to mean that he was really in the dog house. But the thing that really drew his attention was the fact that her lips were also dark pink and slightly swollen, a look he recognized.

"You... you didn't," he cried in horror. "Tell me you weren't so desparate you were kissing Sheldon."

Penny's eyes narrowed in a truly terrifying fashion. Raj meeped and felt the urge to head to the bathroom. "I'm going to say this just one time, Leonard. It's None. Of. Your. Business," she scowled.

Her ex-boyfriend tilted his chin up in what he hoped was a defiant gesture. "I think it is my business. Sheldon is my roommate and my friend, and his girlfriend Amy is your friend. You need to stop this... whatever-it-is... with Sheldon immediately."

Penny really wanted to tell the guys the truth, just to prove that this whole kissing thing hadn't been her idea in the first place. Instead, she stuck by what she had already said: it was none of their business. If any of them knew what was actually going on, she was sure that they would tease Sheldon mercilessly and offer all sorts of sordid and unwanted advice. So all she could do was to stand her ground. Penny drew herself up a little straighter, so she could look down on Leonard (she was an inch taller than he was) and repeated that it was none of their business. Then she slammed the door in their faces for good measure, leaving the boys to speculate without any more fuel for the fire.

Sheldon woke up late the next morning. His schedule was completely thrown off balance. The only good thing about his sleeping in was that Leonard had already left for work. He might need to ride the bus to Caltech, but at least he wouldn't have to deal with a nosy roommate trying to pry details out of him that he only half remembered.

His laptop chimed. He noted with surprise that it was Amy calling, and he answered her call with a degree of trepidation.

"Hello, Sheldon. How are you?" Amy greeted him in her usual flat tone of voice.

"Hello, Amy. I stipulate that we dispense with the pleasantries. I have something of import to discuss with you."

Amy's eyebrows rose. "Interesting. I too have something important to tell you. Sheldon, Prince Faisal has asked me to marry him."

"Amy, I'm surprised at you," Sheldon rejoined. "Your news is hardly deserving of the name, seeing as he must have already asked you such a question, and you must have assented, in order to be referred to as his fiancée."

A look of irritation crossed Amy's face. "That's not what I meant, Sheldon!" she cried.

"Then I'm going to have to ask you to be more precise."

"Faisal wants me to marry him in a couple of weeks. His staff is already making arrangements for the ceremony."

"Why would you want to do that?" Sheldon demanded in consternation.

"It was because of something Penny said, actually. I've known Faisal for a number of years, but it took a fresh perspective for me to realize how physically appealing he is. I find him even more handsome than I did Penny's friend Zack. On top of that, he is well-educated, keenly interested in my work-unlike some people I know- and he says he is eager to consummate our relationship. In short, he is the perfect man for me."

Sheldon stared at the screen in complete astonishment. "I don't want you to marry him," he finally managed in a stubborn tone.

"Sheldon, when I terminated our relationship contract before I left, I meant it. You had your chance. There was a time, not that long ago, when I would have done anything for you. Now, that time is over. I am informing you of my upcoming nuptials as a courtesy to a friend, but you no longer have any say in my personal life."

Sheldon looked down. He couldn't argue with her logic. "You know that it was your choice to terminate our relationship agreement, not mine."

Her lips flattened into a thin line. "While that may be technically true, Sheldon, PET scans don't lie. You were never attracted to me. The only signs of sexual arousal on your scans corresponded to the presence of Penny in the room. While scans of your amygdala did show that you had affectionate feelings for me, it wasn't my picture that lit up your brain like the fourth of July; it was hers. Face it, Sheldon. Penny may not be what you thought you wanted, but that's only because you don't know your own mind."

Sheldon ground his teeth. He hated being wrong. Fortunately, it happened only very rarely, but Amy was once again shaking his confidence, making him question all that he believed. It was maddening, but all he could do was to glare at the screen. He didn't have an appropriate response.

"Look, Sheldon, between the two of us, one of us has an advanced degree in the workings of the human brain, and one of us plays with trains. I saw what was going on in your mind. All I can say is, if Penny is crazy enough to date you, then I wish her luck."

"What about me? Aren't you going to wish me luck as well?" Sheldon asked, surprised and affronted at her attitude.

Amy snorted. "Sheldon, when I was your girlfriend, I supported you and complimented you and pandered to your ego. Now that we are no longer together, I can freely tell you that your betrayal, unconscious though it may have been, hurt me deeply. I am not going to wish you luck in your pursuit of another woman, even if she happens to be the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. However, I do wish you well."

Amy turned her head towards something off-screen. "I've got to go, Sheldon. I have a fitting for my wedding dress." She turned back to her laptop. "One more thing-I'm not going to keep my wedding a secret from my friends. I'll give you a day or two to sort things out with Penny, but I'll have to call her and talk to her soon, and the rest of our friends as well."

With that, Amy ended the call, leaving Sheldon frozen in shock. It was bad enough that he might have to venture into the quagmire of uncertainty that was emotional expression, even worse that Amy was now forcing his hand. He knew that he needed to talk to Penny, but what on earth could he say that would convince her that he had actually developed feelings for her? He wouldn't blame her if she were incredulous; his own attraction had been buried so deep in his subconscious that it had taken a PET scan to prove it to him. He sat up with a jolt. Of course, the PET scan data, maybe he could use that...


	9. Chapter 9

At lunchtime the following day at Caltech, Leonard, Raj and Howard were comparing notes on Sheldon. He was behaving so oddly that they hardly knew what to make of it. Sheldon had hardly spoken to Leonard that morning as they drove to work, nor had he objected when Leonard turned on the radio. Raj noticed that whatever equations Sheldon was writing on his whiteboard, they had nothing to do with quantum mechanics. When he finally got up the nerve to ask Sheldon what he was working on, Sheldon had startled, stared at Raj as if he had been unaware that he was in the room, and finally suggested that he go get some coffee. Sheldon never let Raj take breaks for any reason other than using the bathroom, and usually lectured him about not keeping to a schedule. Raj took full advantage of his friend's odd behavior and left the room without bothering to question what had prompted the deviation from his routine.

That evening was Wednesday evening, which meant new comic book night. Three very confused friends were driving to Stuart's store, silent in their bewilderment. Back at the apartment, Sheldon had calmly informed them that he was not going with them. No amount of prying had been able to wrest an explanation from Sheldon, although he did give Leonard some money and request that he purchase some comic books which Stuart was holding for him.

Sheldon was now standing in front of Penny's door, a sheaf of papers in his hands. His palms were damp, an occurrence which he found most distasteful. As he knocked, he wondered how Penny would react to what he was going to say. The truly terrifying part was that he had no idea. Suddenly, the door swung open, and Penny was standing before him, a wide smile on her face. All his carefully planned words seemed to fly from his mind, and he just gazed in awe of her beauty. How had he not noticed it before? It wasn't just her outward appearance, but that she seemed to glow from within. She radiated with compassion, empathy, and a love of life. She was everything that he was lacking and had never noticed its loss until now. Papers fluttered to the ground as Sheldon swept her up into his arms and pressed his lips to hers, trying to express all of his longing and need for her.

"Sheldon, what the _hell_!" Penny cried, shoving him away. She had been surprised to see him on her doorstep-after all these years, she knew his schedule as well as Leonard did. Penny had just gotten home from work a few minutes ago. Her feet ached, and all she wanted to do was to wash the scent of cheesecake from her hair and change out of her food-spattered uniform. When she had heard Sheldon's signature knock on her door, she had immediately assumed something was wrong. When he had kissed her, unprompted, out in the hallway where anyone could see them, she was certain of it. She faced him with a sinking feeling in her heart. She had broken him. She had taken her sweet, peculiar, neurotic neighbor and turned him into an average man-one who apparently thought he could get a little action on the side if his girlfriend was none the wiser. Horrified with herself, Penny pushed him away and slammed the door in his face.

He began knocking again immediately, and Penny covered her mouth to stifle her sobs. She had fallen in love with Sheldon. She knew it with a dread certainty, now that it was too late. She had only wanted to help him, and in doing so, she had destroyed him. She was her own worst enemy, losing her heart as she ruined the one she loved.

Out in the hallway, Sheldon continued knocking with a growing sense of urgency. He had handled it poorly, that much was apparent. He could hear Penny's muffled sobs from the other side of the door. How had he been so wrong again? He had thought that she of all people would appreciate his impulsive act, casting logic and reason aside for her sake. Well, perhaps he needed to use both logic and emotion to sort out this mess. Clearly, she had no intention of answering her door again. So Sheldon gathered up his papers and turned her doorknob without further knocking.

Penny had collapsed onto the sofa, head in hands. She blanched when she saw Sheldon enter; she had never considered that he would enter her apartment without permission.

"Penny, I have something to say to you," Sheldon began firmly.

"Sheldon, please just leave me alone. Last night was a mistake. This whole thing was a mistake. I should have never gotten involved in your relationship with Amy. Even when she begged me to, I knew it was a bad idea," Penny moaned.

Sheldon thrust the stack of papers under her nose. "Do you know what these papers represent?" he asked resolutely, ignoring her outburst.

She glanced at the print-outs. "It's science-y stuff; of course I have no idea what it is," she answered crossly.

Trying hard to control his nervous tics, Sheldon sat down next to Penny and began to explain the whole story, starting with Amy's PET scans that showed evidence of arousal in his brain. At first, Amy had been thrilled, but when she was unable to duplicate the results later that evening, she became suspicious. When she showed him a picture of Penny, his scans revealed what he had been unable to admit to himself, that he was attracted to his neighbor, both emotionally and physically.

Amy had proposed a logical solution. Sheldon had already asked Penny for help acclimating himself to physical touch. In that guise, Sheldon had to persuade Penny to kiss him. If he had no interest in Penny and still wanted to be Amy's boyfriend after that, she would happily take him back, with the understanding that they would move forward in their relationship. But once he had kissed Penny, he was lost. His desire for her made him nervous and confused, but he couldn't ignore his reaction to her. Upon hearing Sheldon's confession, Amy had broken up with him promptly, fleeing to Riyadh. After Penny had planted the seed of an idea in her mind, Amy decided to abandon her fantasy of Sheldon and marry Faisal. Although Sheldon regretted the way their relationship had ended, he could no longer deny his feelings for Penny.

As he reached the end of his story, he paused, not knowing what else to say. Penny looked up at him with tear drops still glimmering on her lashes. Slowly, she reached over and took the PET scan results from his hands. She flipped through them until she found what she was looking for. Her finger caressed a peak on a particular page, and Sheldon had a visceral reaction to the sight.

"This is it, right?" she murmured, so quietly that he had to lean closer to hear her. "This is you... liking me," she whispered in a voice tinged with awe.

A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He moved his hand over hers, touching the lines on the paper very deliberately.

"No, _this_ is me being attracted to you on a very basic hormonal level," he said softly. He turned more pages, and showed Penny a print-out she hadn't seen on that fateful night. This page was covered with peaks, lines criss-crossing as they shot up to the top of the page.

"This is me liking you, falling for you. I'd never felt that way about anyone before. It was so foreign to me that I couldn't even put a name to what I was feeling. I thought I could arrange everything in my life logically. I even thought I could chose a romantic partner based on logic and reason. Amy was right-you weren't what I would have chosen. But you are exactly what I need, who I need."

Another tear slipped down Penny's cheek, and Sheldon felt a frisson of fear. Had he misjudged her? Was she going to turn him down after he had poured out his heart to her? Then she slid her arms around his neck and kissed him with exquisite tenderness.

"I've been fighting my feelings so hard," she whispered between kisses. "I thought what I was feeling was so awfully, terribly wrong. When you came up to me and kissed me at my door, I thought... I thought I had ruined you, turned you into some callous jerk who was only interested in me for my body. I was crying because I thought I'd lost you and had only myself to blame."

He grinned down at her, a genuine smile that lit up his face and made him unbearably handsome to Penny's eyes. "I'm not going anywhere, Kitten," he drawled.

She beamed back at him and twined her fingers with his. "That's right, Slim. From now on, wherever we go, we'll go there together." Their lips met in a mutual promise.


	10. Chapter 10

Penny finally drew back slowly from Sheldon's arms. "It's almost seven," she murmured. "I think the guys will be waiting for us."

She could see the conflict warring on his face as he debated between keeping to his schedule and staying here with her in this perfect moment. Penny finally let him off the hook.

"Come on, sweetie, we need to talk to them. We owe them some kind of explanation, especially given the way you look right now," she said with a chuckle.

His hair was slightly mussed, his lips a darker hue than normal, and his double-layered shirts were wrinkled where she had clutched at his shoulders. Penny loved the slightly rumpled look. She would have liked to leave him looking that way, but instead she finger-combed his hair and smoothed out his shirts. Breaking the news to their friends was going to be difficult enough without the two of them looking like they'd been making out like teenagers-which was exactly what they'd been doing, Penny realized with a blush. She made a quick check of her reflection in the mirror before they were out the door, crossing the short distance between apartments.

It was 7:02 pm when they entered apartment 4A. For anyone but Sheldon, the slight tardiness would have been unremarkable. As it was, three pairs of accusatory eyes met theirs as they walked through the door.

"You're late," Leonard said with a frown.

Penny took a deep breath. She tried to remind herself that Leonard's churlishness seemed to stem from a genuine concern for his roommate rather than jealousy toward her, but she was sure that the green-eyed monster had been rearing its ugly head, at least in Leonard's thoughts. She wondered what he had been saying to Raj and Howard. Well, best to confront the monster head on, she thought.

"Sheldon and I have something to tell you," Penny began. She glanced at Sheldon but she could tell from his wide-eyed expression that he wasn't going to be much help. "Umm... it all started a few weeks ago when Amy broke things off with Sheldon. She was doing some brainwave scan thingy and found that Sheldon was actually attracted to me instead of her." She rushed on over the exclamations of shock from her friends. "So she... umm... convinced Sheldon to test her theory, and... uh... now we're dating," Penny said with false brightness.

"Oh my cow," Raj exclaimed, shocked into speaking aloud in Penny's presence. Then he clapped his hands over his mouth in chagrin.

Howard started to say something that was doubtless inappropriate, but Leonard cut him off. "Penny, you can't do this," he ground out, coming to stand face-to-face with her. "Sheldon isn't some toy you can mess around with. Have a little bit of decency."

Her eyebrows rose in surprise. She had expected him to say something very different. Was it weird that she was pleased he was standing up for his friend at last?

Before she could answer, Sheldon spoke up. "Leonard, as much as I appreciate your loyalty-always an admirable trait in a friend-your outrage is misguided. I assure you that Penny and I have come to a mutual understanding based on empirical data," and as he spoke, Sheldon very deliberately put his arm around Penny's waist.

Raj gasped and whispered in Howard's ear. Howard prompted pinched his friend hard on the arm, and Raj yelped loudly.

"No, I don't think either of us are dreaming," Howard muttered _sotto voce_ to Raj.

Leonard had turned back to Penny. "Come on, Penny. You can't possibly be thinking of dating Sheldon; he's an emotionless robot. And just because he can stand touching your waist through your clothes doesn't mean that he'll ever be able satisfy you sexually-or even want to."

Penny felt a flash of white-hot anger course through her as she stared at her ex-boyfriend's smug, squinty-eyed expression. "Here I thought you were actually concerned for your friend," she hissed. "Sheldon does have feelings, even though you all treat him like he doesn't. And as for the sex-" Penny paused, drawing a steadying breath. _I can be better than this_ , she reminded herself.

She continued in a calmer tone of voice. "In the past, I've been a big ol' five because I was always afraid to let guys know the real me. So I kept things light, fun, and on a very superficial level. I've now realized that with Sheldon, I can have a more open and honest relationship. He already knows who I really am, and he likes me anyway. I don't need to sleep with him to get him to like me, or to feel better about myself. And when we do get around to it, I'm sure the sex is going to be amazing." With that, Penny raised up on her tiptoes and kissed Sheldon's cheek. A deep blush swept up from his jawline, but all Sheldon did was to pull her a little closer to him and say, "Thank you, Penny. Now, if there are no further inane questions, may I suggest we begin playing Halo? We are already seventeen minutes behind schedule."

Penny grinned up at her new boyfriend. "Whackadoodle," she said softly, and it was the glowing smile on her face that finally convinced her friends that this relationship was real. As Sheldon and Penny sat down on the couch in their usual places, Penny leaned over and, in an impish voice pitched only for Sheldon's ears, murmured, "Or should I call you Slim?"


	11. Chapter 11

_Two months later_ :

Sheldon and Penny trudged across the parking lot of a large warehouse-style store. As Penny got into the driver's seat, she picked up a clipboard and leafed through several pages.

"Okay, there are two more options fairly close to us," she said in a cheerful tone of voice. "One is a chain store 1.7 miles to the east, and the other is a family-run business that's about two miles north of here. Which one do you wanna hit next?"

As she turned toward her boyfriend, she noticed that he was staring at her with a perplexed expression on his face.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" she asked.

"Penny, so far, we have visited seven stores," Sheldon began.

"Yup," she replied, popping the "p" as she always did.

"Thus far, you have driven me to each store without complaint, waited patiently while I tested numerous models, charmed the sales people into searching for products that meet my exacting specifications, and have never once rolled your eyes or expressed any sort of impatience."

"Of course," she said airily, fighting to conceal her smile.

He fidgeted a little, looking uncomfortable. "I realize that I may be risking your displeasure by saying so, but patience is hardly your strong suit."

She grinned at him. "Sheldon, I promise you, my days of threatening to punch you in the throat are far behind me."

He cleared his throat. "As I've said, patience is not your strong suit, so I am curious as to the reason you've been so patient with me thus far."

"Because you're worth it, sweetie," she replied, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. "I would drive you to a hundred mattress stores if it means you can find one you like. I can't wait to buy a new, Sheldon-approved mattress so you feel comfortable spending the night at my place. Although I warn you," she added with a wicked grin, "I might have a hard time keeping my hands to myself if you're curled up next to me in bed."

The physical part of their relationship had been progressing slowly. Penny had taken a lot of cold showers and resorted to playing Age of Conan sometimes, too. Yet every time she was tempted to try to get Sheldon to speed things up, she remembered the way that Amy had treated him. That thought alone, of Amy drooling over Sheldon like a dog with a bone, was usually enough to dampen her ardor. She wanted Sheldon to know that she respected him, and she said so aloud.

"Sweetie, I would happily wait a thousand years for you. I hope you know I only want to be with you because I love you so much."

His eyes darkened as he met her tender gaze. "That's the first time you've said that to me," he said in a low voice.

She grinned. "Well, I've known it for a long time, but someone once told me you were like a little baby deer, and I had to take things slow with you, or else you'd get scared and run."

He rolled his eyes, an action that made her giggle. "That was my mother, wasn't it?" he asked glumly. She nodded.

"Well, my little baby deer days are over," he declared. She shot him a wry look. "Mostly over," he corrected. "Penny, I want to be with you," he said, blushing adorably. "I want to make love to you."

She leaned over and kissed him softly. "Whenever you're ready," she whispered.

He gazed deep into her eyes. "I'm ready."


	12. Epilogue

Sheldon held out a chair for Penny. He looked so handsome in his charcoal grey suit, she thought. Although Sheldon still preferred his thermal-and-tee-shirt combination for everyday wear, he often dressed up for her when they went out on dates. Tonight was no exception. It was their two-year anniversary, and she knew he had chosen to wear that particular suit just to please her. Penny was impressed as she took in the gleam of crystal and china and the immaculate linen tablecloth. "Sweetie, this place is amazing. You picked the perfect place for our anniversary."

He winked at her. "Only the best for you, Kitten."

She laughed. He usually only called her "Kitten" in their most intimate moments, and any time he did so out in public, she fought to control the blush staining her cheeks.

They ate their meal, hardly tasting the food even though it was a five-star restaurant.

"I have something for you," Sheldon said seriously, after the waiter had cleared away their plates.

"I have something to give you too," Penny replied with a nervous smile. She didn't know how he was going to react, but the timing seemed auspicious. "You first," she prompted.

Sheldon rose from his chair and circled the table to stand beside her, fumbling in his pocket. Suddenly, he dropped to one knee and held out a small white box. "Penny..." he began.

Her swift reaction was not at all what he expected.

"She told you!" Penny gasped. "How could she do that to me? Oh, please get up, you're ruining everything."

Completely bewildered, Sheldon rose and sat back down in his chair, brushing down his dark suit to hide his confusion. "I'm sorry," he said stiffly, wondering how he could have misunderstood her feelings.

"Sheldon..." Penny's voice broke into his thoughts, "...did Amy tell you? Were you going to propose because of my news?"

Sheldon shook his head, baffled. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Her face drained of color. "Oh my god, were you really going to propose, I mean, for real? Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I messed it all up. Here, just... open this. Maybe this will explain why I'm acting so crazy." She thrust a small gift bag into his hands.

Eyeing her warily, he removed the tissue paper and pulled out a small bundle of soft blue cloth. He unfolded it and stared at it in shock as all his mental processes ground to a halt. Gradually, he became aware of Penny's voice calling his name, of the feel of her hand shaking her shoulder. Slowly, he turned his head to see that she was leaning over him, her face taut with concern.

"I didn't mean to freak you out. I thought this might be a good way to let you know. We have plenty of time to talk before..." Penny was babbling, and for the first time in his life, Sheldon simply couldn't focus on her words. He returned his attention to the item in his hands. He was holding a knit garment commonly referred to as a "onesie". It was light blue with gold braid around the sleeves, and a replica of the original Star Trek com badge on the chest. Someone had painstaking hand-appliqued a shiny fabric IDIC medallion in the center of the garment. It was Spock's dress uniform, a miniature version... made for an infant.

He slowly turned back to Penny again. "A baby?" he said faintly.

"Yeah," she breathed, her eyes never leaving his face.

"Our baby?"

"Yeah, sweetie, our baby, you and me," she smiled.

There was a tickling sensation on his face, and Penny reached over and brushed the tear from his cheek. "Sweetie, are you crying?" she asked gently.

"Don't be ridiculous; I never cry," he retorted, but his voice broke as he said the words.

He swallowed hard. "I--I don't deserve you," he whispered, struggling to get the words past the tightening in his throat. Just like that, he knew what he needed to do. All his fears and nervousness fell away, and there was nothing else in the world except him and the woman he loved. He stood up and pulled her into his arms. It wasn't the traditional way, but somehow it felt right.

"Penny," he began again, "I don't deserve someone like you. I used to think happiness was riding on a train or getting a new comic book. Then you came into my life and showed me kindness, compassion, love--things I had never truly experienced before. It was like a whole new universe opening up in front of me. I love you... so much that the word 'love' seems entirely inadequate. I still don't know how or why you love me, but I would gladly spend the rest of my life trying to give back to you just some of the happiness you have brought into my life."

With hands that trembled slightly, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the white box, opening it to reveal a ring. Penny gasped when she saw it. It was a masterpiece of graceful platinum filigree, with a marquis-cut emerald set in the center. "I had this ring custom-made. It's designed after Arwen's wedding tiara from _Lord of the Rings_. I know how much you loved all the costuming in the movies, so I ordered it two months ago. Probably before..." His eyes dropped to her stomach.

"I don't want to marry you because it's the right thing to do, or even because we're going to have a baby together. I want to marry you because I have never loved anyone the way I love you, and I don't want to live without you. Penny, will you marry me?"

Penny was not ashamed of the tears trickling down her face as she cried, "Yes! Yes, a million times, yes. I love you so much!" He slid the ring on her finger, and she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. They were so absorbed in their happiness that they didn't even hear the applause as the rest of the restaurant customers cheered for them.


End file.
